Thursday, June 12, 2014

in the land of three littles

i type this with very heavy, sleepy eyes. and i must be insane because all of babies are asleep right now and here i am writing. too many thoughts on the brain i guess..

we had our sweet baby GIRL over a week ago on june 2nd. hattie anne ladd. she has been so easy going so far. she is nursing like a champ, although sleep is something that we will be working on. i'm learning to navigate the world of "three under three", and no most of our days have not been easy.

emma is over the moon about her baby sister, wyatt will stop playing to kiss her every now and then, and the rest of us are pretty smitten too. my biggest hurdles so far have been trying to get emma to be nicer to her brother, and how to get all three kids down stairs (and back up) in one piece. i only have so many hands...

more than anything, i feel very lucky to get to experience this season again. i read so often about people being frustrated with the way other people paint their lives on social media. that no one is honest and we all portray a fake image of our reality. and while i agree that their is community in honesty, i don't believe we were all made to be debbie downers. life is hard. marriage is hard. parenting is hard. but instead of being the person who tells the soon-to-be wife, or mama, how hard their life is about to get, why not speak life into them? why not be an encouragement? i believe that God has graced me enough to be able to share that while yes my life is not perfect, His love is. and there is always something good to be grateful for. sometimes you wanna just sit with a friend and vent about all the junk. and that's ok. that's a part of life.

i get a lot of comments about my attitude and perspective. it's something i have to psyche myself up about every hour. when emma has hit wyatt for the billionth time for no reason, when wyatt has ripped up a book to shreds, when hattie wants to nurse every 10 minutes, i remind myself that He is still good and that i am doing good work. i have learned the 3rd time around that it all goes by way too fast. emma is almost 3 and what i wouldn't give to have some of those sleepless nights with her tiny baby self snuggled on my shoulder back again. or even wyatt as fussy as he was, and even though he still doesn't sleep through the night, i rock him with a grateful heart. because they are mine, and they will soon be big and grown. i want every moment i can have. i have none of this figured out, and i pray daily that i'm not screwing this up. that i made the right choice by staying home with them. but the struggle is so worth it. seasons are a funny thing. they seem so deep and dark and then before you know it, it's spring and you're basking in the light barely remember the shadows you were just in.

but i want to remember those shadows, so i appreciate the light even more. so here's to being up all night, stumbling groggily into the next morning. here's to tantrums, and discipline, and the refuge of my husband's chest. i honestly am so thankful for all of it, because i know how near God is. and that presence felt is worth any struggle i may face.

babies don't keep.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

....and if not

About to embark on my third birth, my third induction, my third rodeo. You'd think I'd be chill and relaxed about all of this by now, but it's quite the opposite.

Since I found out I was pregnant this time around, I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would keep me healthy (re: precious pregnancy BP issues) and that He would allow me to go into labor on my meds. Well here we are 5 hours before I check into the hospital to be induced with our third baby. 

To be very honest, I have been a little upset with Jesus. Especially today. I worshipped with choked back tears, and I've prayed all day with a semi bitter heart. Why couldn't I just get one birth the way I wanted it planned? Why couldn't He just do this one thing I asked? And while I don't have that answer and frankly never will, all I know is that He is still good.

He is still the peace to my chaos. He is still my deepest desire. He is still mine, and I am still His. 

I am overwhelmed with thoughts and fears and frustrations, but He is still good to me. I am no less of a mother because all three of my children got here by induction, I am no less of a mother because I've used formula and disposable diapers. I am no less of a mother because I stumbled into this whole thing "by accident". I am still called, like you if you are also a mom, to raise my children to love God and love people. Their hearts are mine to imprint scripture into, their precious spirits I get to be blessed by.

So while I've beaten myself to a pulp because I didn't necessarily get to do this the way I planned, I'm reminded that Jesus had a much more overwhelming "night before". His heart to be broken, his name to be shamed, all in the worst ways possible...for me. Because grace abounds. Because He rose. He conquered. And because he was victorious, I get to relish and rest in Him. He has me covered. 

God has called me, by no accident, to be a mama. To have 3 kids in 3 years. To plan things and then have my plans wrecked. And He also never ceases to catch me and direct me. I want everything I am and all I have to ripple out that grace I've received. 

So here we go, to have another nugget. I'll soon know what you are, girl or boy. I promise to always love you, always be in your corner, and always teach you about Jesus. You are more loved than you will ever know. I cannot wait to meet you, tiny babe.
 Love, mama