My husband tells me it's my biggest downfall. And I know he's right. When things don't go my way, or really when I don't get the results I want, I quit. I like immediate growth. Quick return. Which is the exact opposite of how life usually works. Things take time, experience, and work. None of which happen in the timeline of how I want them to. It's super selfish of me to think that all of my writing is even about me. Because I started it for Him, and for women like me.. who needed to read it like I did (and still do). But the content around here shifted from mainly motherhood, to something deeper. I will always love to keep it real. It's my biggest passion to connect with people and to know their hearts and for them to know mine. I never want all that I do to look like rainbows and butterflies. Because it's not. No one's life is, and that's a hard thing to remember on the internet where people are dressed cute with hip kids and complain about things like being fat when there are so many people who are starving. Real life is hard. And being real about real life stuff is awfully difficult sometimes because it puts you in such a vulnerable position. People do not spare their opinions too much in real life, and especially on the internet.
I felt like I was trying to hold myself to some impossible standard instead of His standard which is grace and not perfection. It's like comparison was strangling the passion out of me. There are so many women saying similar things in more eloquent ways. I will not amount. But thankfully, no one asks me to. Which I'm recently realizing. I like to write these blogs because I want any woman to be able to read it and take away some truth. And that absolute truth is that Jesus loves them and died for them, He wants them. I'm praying for God to direct my words, my purpose for this passion, and help me prioritize if all of this is His plan. Does any of that even make sense? Geez.
I don't know if this is a start or a close of a door. All I know is that God has shown me an immense amount of love through this time of silence. I feel like He is just nodding at me as I inch along in life, unsure but in faith. I love writing, whether people think I'm good at it or not. I love getting to be real about the good stuff and the hard stuff. Encouraging whoever actually reads this thing in their walk with Christ is my actual jam.
Sometimes I get bummed thinking about how much I'd love to have a cute lifestyle blog with recipes and DIY and outfit posts (writing this from my sweatpants). But then God reminds me of who I am, and what He's asked me to say, knowing all along that I'll say it no matter what. And I know that I'm in the right place. It might be an uncomfortable place, but He knows how this all turns out and I don't. So I'll keep trusting I'm in the right lane.
If you read this, would you mind commenting with what you would like to read? I'm considering doing writing series' and I'd love some feedback!