This is a post I've been struggling to write for about six months. Which is possibly why the blog has been so quiet.
I like to write about real stuff. Good, fun stuff. Hard stuff. Not just day to day stuff. Not that daily life blogs are bad, because I totally read the mess out of those. I started this blog as a way to share and encourage other mamas and to pour out the gospel even if into a tiny crack in a very bad day.
But if I'm being honest, which most of the time, is my fault in life, some things are almost too hard to hit publish on. Some feelings sink too deep into the soul. And frankly, some feelings, as a parent, can make you think "surely I'm the only one feeling that so I should keep that one to myself". So that's what I've done these last several months...just kept them to myself. But not any longer. I started this blog with honesty in the good and the bad, with the longing to see Christ in all of it. Spilling the beans I will...
Emma turned three last August. Wyatt was one and a half, Hattie was two months. And when September came, things got HARD. Fast. I remember when Emma turned two and Wyatt was six months old and everyone warned me about "terrible twos" so I waited...and besides some communication issues, which led to a handful of fits, we never really sunk into them. BUT THEN WE HIT THREE. Turning three was a whole new ball game. Complete with fighting, screaming, flailing, and 360 degree head spinning. Whoa. Looking back over these past fews months, I bet it would classify as some type of depression because I just struggled with it that badly. I felt like nothing I did with her was right. I tried to be patient, FAIL. I tried to be firm, FAIL. I tried choosing my battles, FAIL. It kept me at the feet of Jesus for sure because all I could was pray that she wouldn't keep that attitude forever and I wouldn't feel like a failure of a mother forever.
Sure as the sun rises, God delivers. We are finally coming out of that awful spell. I can finally talk about the last six months without getting sweaty and tearful. Apparently that's a big hormonal change for toddlers. I realize how silly that sounds, but man it's true! You how people say don't pray for patience? Well I did, and I got the hard stuff. But it grew me. And it still is. I am learning to breathe it out. To go to HIM at the first inkling of a meltdown. In the bible study I'm currently doing, she touches on God as a parent. How He parents us. He is encouraging AND instructional. Firm AND forgiving. Always abounding in love(Joel 2:13). That's how I want to parent. I want to be able to step back in that moment of fury of disobedience and wait it out so I can discipline out of love instead of bitterness. That's where the teachable moments are. It's made all the difference so far.. Apologizing to our children when we're out of line sets the precedent for them to do the same. Apologizing to God when we're disobedient allows for much grace. And oh my word I need that grace. I need to straight up swim in that grace because I want to reflect it to my own children.
I'm grateful for the women God has blessed me with that aren't afraid to say, "Heck yeah that age was the worst, but trust me it gets easier." Those women that will pray over me and for me even when I don't know. And for my husband who sees the work that I put into our children and encourages me on it. It's not a paycheck, but his words are worth more than dollars to me. I need that affirmation. I feel so blessed to have the type of relationship where we can be completely honest with one another, even if it might hurt.
Blake and I had a hard conversation a couple of weeks ago about how I feel like I'm so consumed by motherhood, I've forgotten who I am. Just me. Not someone's wife or mom. I'm sure these feelings surfaced because of how hard the past few months have been. And they aren't thoughts out of regret. But God called ME to HIM first. He called me to seek Him, live wildly and passionately for Him and somehow that was getting lost in the shuffle. So when Satan sniffs a weakness, he preys on it. I've mentioned before how I can struggle with fear. And that's where he got me. Fear of all kinds of things that can go wrong. No more.
Marriage can be hard. Motherhood can be hard. Basically just being a human can be hard. It's even worse apart from God. My salvation is my sanity. And when I'm feeling crazy, I take it to the cross and lay it down. No longer my burden to bear. God removes it, by the blood of Jesus I am free.
Are you living in that freedom?
Here's to another crazy week of toddler girls in princess dresses and veils of terrycloth (see it on my instagram), wyatt boone and whatever shenanigans he may get himself into, and teething baby girl who keeps me up all night. I love the craziness. But I love God more. May I serve Him beautifully in the midst of all of my crazy. May I love my husband well, and encourage him.