Friday, October 21, 2016

a seat at the table

tap tap… is this thing on?

check? one, two. check?

Ok cool. Still works over here.

God urged me to get quiet and focus on Him. So I have been. Plus, life has been so incredibly full with my kids starting school, opening up my shop, and just other stuff i've taken on. But this has been sitting in the back of my heart, itching to get out.

I am in such a beautiful place with life right now. I enjoy my kids, for once I don't feel like I'm drowning. I still yell at them and they still forgive me, but for the most part we are in a good rhythm. Blake and I went through a tough spell this year which made me realize some sin in my heart that I'm still taking to Jesus. I've gotten to live out some dreams this year, and it's been really cool to see what God has done with me. But the best thing lately has just been how restful it all feels.

As far back as I can remember, I feel like I have fought to defend myself. I've fought for acceptance from people. I've grasped and clawed and talked way too loudly about things to seem like I was in a better, smarter, happier place than I may have actually been. I've fought to be understood or that I actually had ground to stand on, even when I may have not. I've fought so hard to fit in. Maybe I fought because I feel like God frequently calls me to something different than the people around me, where I don't have any desires. You can read any post from the last 3 years here and see how I struggled through my entrance into motherhood when I had no close friends who were there yet. Much less close friends, period. I felt like I was getting it all wrong and just trying so hard for a seat at the Mom Table.  As soon as I got comfortable into my place as a mom, God called me into standing in front of women once every other month at The Gather Project with red cheeks and sweaty pits feeling completely unqualified to be at the Ministry Table, but somehow so eager to talk about His goodness. While that still hasn't gotten any easier, I'm just so happy and thankful that God built a really beautiful and encouraging friendship with the two women I get to stand beside in that place of ministry.

I've found myself in this place lately where I'm asking Him "what's next God?" He knows how deeply I long for our family to grow some more. And that's something He hasn't given me any clarity on yet. So I choose rest in Jesus name. Peace he surely has given me. I know deep in my bones I can trust Him because He has never let me down. So when it's time for me to know the things I ask him about, he'll tell me.

Until then, I praise Him for not being in a place where for once I'm fighting for just a seat, any seat, at the table. The table where everyone has their own thing, their own "calling" or "gift". Instead just being grateful to love the God who built the table and being able to trust He has the perfect place for me.

Rambling in Jesus name.