Sunday, June 1, 2014

....and if not

About to embark on my third birth, my third induction, my third rodeo. You'd think I'd be chill and relaxed about all of this by now, but it's quite the opposite.

Since I found out I was pregnant this time around, I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would keep me healthy (re: precious pregnancy BP issues) and that He would allow me to go into labor on my meds. Well here we are 5 hours before I check into the hospital to be induced with our third baby. 

To be very honest, I have been a little upset with Jesus. Especially today. I worshipped with choked back tears, and I've prayed all day with a semi bitter heart. Why couldn't I just get one birth the way I wanted it planned? Why couldn't He just do this one thing I asked? And while I don't have that answer and frankly never will, all I know is that He is still good.

He is still the peace to my chaos. He is still my deepest desire. He is still mine, and I am still His. 

I am overwhelmed with thoughts and fears and frustrations, but He is still good to me. I am no less of a mother because all three of my children got here by induction, I am no less of a mother because I've used formula and disposable diapers. I am no less of a mother because I stumbled into this whole thing "by accident". I am still called, like you if you are also a mom, to raise my children to love God and love people. Their hearts are mine to imprint scripture into, their precious spirits I get to be blessed by.

So while I've beaten myself to a pulp because I didn't necessarily get to do this the way I planned, I'm reminded that Jesus had a much more overwhelming "night before". His heart to be broken, his name to be shamed, all in the worst ways possible...for me. Because grace abounds. Because He rose. He conquered. And because he was victorious, I get to relish and rest in Him. He has me covered. 

God has called me, by no accident, to be a mama. To have 3 kids in 3 years. To plan things and then have my plans wrecked. And He also never ceases to catch me and direct me. I want everything I am and all I have to ripple out that grace I've received. 

So here we go, to have another nugget. I'll soon know what you are, girl or boy. I promise to always love you, always be in your corner, and always teach you about Jesus. You are more loved than you will ever know. I cannot wait to meet you, tiny babe.
 Love, mama

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